Searching for Gratitude in Trying Times

I love this time of year. I like everything from October through January 1st. It is a time when people look inward and are more aware of their decisions, their community, and their faith. It is a time when you pass the bell ringers outside of grocery stores and don't think twice about dropping in your pocket change.  It is a time when you consider all you have been given and count yourself blessed. It is a time when you have a mindful eye for those who need help and then take action.

Here at Day by Day Mormon, we are going to jumpstart the holiday season with a series of gratitude posts. We have asked several friends to write about particular things for which they are thankful. Living in the United States, we have so much. I'm sure many of you have seen this Facebook-floating picture.

There are things we take for granted every day that many will never have. When we have so much, sometimes it is hard to recognize the source of our blessings as anything other than our own good fortune and hard work. But we believe that we have a loving Father who has chosen to give us all that we have. Not just all that we enjoy- all that we have. If we neglect to acknowledge His gifts, we will lose out on more than just faith. We will lose out on the opportunity to expand our potential.

One of the most difficult things for me to be grateful for is tribulation. How can you be happy for things that make your life miserable? Not just the tear-wrenching, life-changing moments, but also the day to day trials we all face. Like getting a flat tire when you are already late for a meeting. Or sitting in traffic with cranky children for an hour and a half because you left the museum too close to rush hour. Or being at home in an empty house, wondering if you will ever not be alone. Or learning your child has a health condition that he will have to deal with his entire life. Or receiving that stomach-dropping phone call that a loved one has just passed away (which I just did). For many of us, I fear our innate human tendency is to sweep all unpleasantries under the rug and deal with them at some indefinite future date. Sometimes that works- for a time. But almost always these types of things find their way surfacing- often at the most inopportune moment.


In the scriptures, we learn there is a better way of dealing with trials. A way to work through them and come out refined on the other side. We are taught to rejoice in our hard comings.

Wherein ye greatly rejoice... in heaviness through manifold temptations:
That the trial of your faith...might be found unto praise and honour and glory at the appearing of Jesus Christ. 1

For a long time, I suffered with how to appreciate difficulties in life. I propose three ways that can improve our gratitude for things we usually wish we could do without.

First, we can learn to cope with and understand our trials once we realize,

For it must needs be, that there is an opposition in all things. If not so...righteousness could not be brought to pass, neither wickedness, neither holiness nor misery, neither good nor bad. 2

The importance of everything having its equal and opposite makes logical sense. I think that a large part of misery has to do with what we would rather our situation be instead. If we can somehow come to expect the occasional (or sometimes more often) disappointment, we can see it for what it is- a needed, fleeting moment in time, that will at some point reach an end- instead of as strictly unwanted happenstance.

Second, trials serve to prove us worthy to a loving Father in heaven. Sometimes, we are just unable to learn another way. Or perhaps, the lessons that we need the most are the ones where we have to suffer first to truly understand. C.S. Lewis said,

We can ignore even pleasure. But pain insists on being attended to. God whispers to us in our pleasures, speaks in our conscience, but shouts in our pains: it is His megaphone to rouse a deaf world. 3 

I recall the story of Job, where he has lost everything. Every person, every possession, every comfort, has been stripped from him. Even in such a state, instead of being spiteful or vengeful, he states, "When he hath tried me, I shall come forth as gold."4

In his 2008 General Conference Talk, Church Apostle Quentin L. Cook powerfully shared,

This life is not always easy, nor was it meant to be; it is a time of testing and proving... Elder Harold B. Lee taught, "Sometimes, the things that are the best for us and the things that bring eternal rewards seem at the moment to be the most bitter, and the things forbidden are ofttimes the things which seem to be the more desirable. 5

Third, my final and personal suggestion, is to see the tribulation from a future perspective. Sometimes I find it comforting just to realize that horrible feelings and experiences cannot simply last forever. Church founder and first Church President, Joseph Smith, was wrongly being incarcerated in Liberty Jail, Missouri, for months. He cried to the Lord in prayer,

O God, where art thou?
[He was answered]My son, peace be unto thy soul; thine adversity and thine afflictions shall be but a small moment;
And then, if thou endure it well, God shall exalt thee on high; thou shalt triumph over all thy foes. 6

Often, I try to think of what I could be learning or developing as a result of a particular circumstance. On occasion, neither of those seems to work. I have had times where the only comfort I can gain is in thinking that the knowledge of such pain and suffering will help me empathize with someone else later in time. It is an oddly comforting thought- that through my misery, I might be better able to mourn with and comfort others. But for some reason it helps.

The obvious correlation is that there is one being who suffered all for us. Jesus Christ experienced every sorrow, every pain, every doubt, every fear. He atoned for our sins and died for us not only so that we can overcome our sin and be exalted, but also so that He can understand our suffering. He is the one person who always knows exactly what we are going through, because He deliberately opted to suffer through it Himself. I know  this to be true.

Though they are not always pleasant, I am grateful for all experiences I have been given. They have and will continue to work together to mold me into the person that I am and who I am meant to be. The more we can realize the eternal nature of our experiences, good or bad, the better able we are to align our will with God's. I hope we can all remember that long past the holiday cheer that comes through Christmas carols and turkeys and sparkling lights. It is one thing that we can do to warm our hearts the whole year through.

Published by Jen
1. 1 Peter 1:6-7
2. 2 Nephi 2:11
3. Lewis, C.S. The Problem of Pain. New York: Macmillan, 1944. Print.
4. Job 23:10
5. Quentin L. Cook. "Hope Ya Know, We Had a Hard Time." October 2008 General Conference.
6. D&C 121:1, 7-8

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Why Mormons Choose Children

As discussed in an earlier post, members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (Mormons) believe in eternal marriage.  We also believe in eternal families. Children born into the covenant of eternal marriage (through a temple sealing) become part of an eternal family unit. We believe children can bring us joy both now and in the eternities.

I came across the cover of this Time Magazine back in August, and I found it intriguing. The cover reads The Childfree Life, when having it all means not having children,¹ and shows a blissfully happy couple lying on the beach, margaritas in their future, and no cares in the world.  No children to throw sand in their hair, no worries about returning home early for naptimes, and no imminent threat of meltdown and embarrassing public tantrum.

Sounds relaxing…

The United States now has the lowest birthrate in its history.² Couples who choose not to have children can become fully devoted to work, spouse, and their own hobbies, without the inconveniences children might bring. ³

From a religious standpoint, Church Apostle Neil L. Anderson said, “It is a crowning privilege of a husband and wife who are able to bear children to provide mortal bodies for these spirit children of God. We believe in families, and we believe in children.”⁴

To the contrary I sometimes hear words and phrases referring to children as inconvenient, costly, loud, and troublesome…Elder Anderson used the word “privilege.” Children are meant to be our crown jewels of joy, both in this life and in the eternities.

 

Members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints believe that having children is a commandment from God.⁵ Church Apostle Elder Dallin H. Oaks said, “The power to create mortal life is the most exalted power God has given to His children. Its use was mandated by God’s first commandment to Adam and Eve.”⁶

So from the beginning of man, God has commanded that husband and wife have children. Though over time, political and public opinions, laws, and policies change with the evolving culture, it is interesting to note that God’s laws do not change.⁷

Because of this strong belief in family, it is sometimes joked that Mormons have children by the dozen, but these decisions are up to individual families.

Church Apostle Neil L. Anderson said, “When to have a child and how many children to have are private decisions to be made between a husband and wife and the Lord. These are sacred decisions—decisions that should be made with sincere prayer and acted on with great faith.”⁸

My husband and I have chosen the path with children.  And parenthood is hard! We don’t have kids just to see if they will get my husband’s good looks or a high IQ.  We don’t have kids solely based on how much fun they are.  Nor do we feel we have superior parenting skills to employ.  Rather, I often feel a lack thereof. It is not an easy job.  It requires long days and even nights. 

The Family: A Proclamation to the World, states “Parents have a sacred duty to rear their children in love and righteousness, to provide for their physical and spiritual needs, and to teach them to love and serve one another, observe the commandments of God, and be law-abiding citizens wherever they live.” ⁹

This goes beyond just diapering and bathing, feeding and clothing.  It involves a time investment, for which we can’t see the results now.  Together, my husband and I work together “as equal partners” in raising, loving, hoping, and praying for our children, that they will become educated, productive members of society, and follow the teachings of God.

Before my children came along, I had some worries about entering into parenthood.  I had some desires to be a working professional, recognizing that in our society there seems to be more distinguished accomplishments than having a family.  Sometimes I feel as though raising a family hits the bottom of the rung, but I know the most important work my husband and I can do is in the home.¹⁰ David O. McKay, past President of the Church said, “No other success can compensate for failure in the home.”¹¹

I also had worries that having children would tie us home too much and make us boring!  But I will tell you now, that there is nothing boring about having kids!  They are full of surprises. We laugh at their funny behaviors, and cute things they do.  And we cheer for them as they hit every milestone! 

Margaritas on the beach are not part of our life right now—they would have to be virgin anyway.  My husband and I can't go out and have fun the way we did before we had kids--we have naptimes and bedtimes to be home for. We have had to sacrifice some things. But we have found parenthood is rewarding and fulfilling.

My husband and I have discovered that with our children we do have it all!  We are creating an eternal family.  Our children will be ours forever!  We are incredibly blessed, and life is good!

 “We believe that the ultimate treasures on earth and in heaven are our children and our posterity,” Church Apostle Dallin H. Oaks said.¹²

Reference:

1. Lauren Sandler, Time Magazine, August 12, 2013.

2. See Joyce A. Martin and others, “Births: Final Data for 2011,” National Vital Statistics Reports, vol. 62, no. 1 (June 28, 2013), 4; Gloria Goodale, “Behind a Looming Baby Bust,” Christian Science Monitor Weekly, Feb. 4, 2013, 21, 23.

3. “We cannot always explain the difficulties of our mortality. Sometimes life seems very unfair—especially when our greatest desire is to do exactly what the Lord has commanded. As the Lord’s servant, I assure you that this promise is certain: “Faithful members whose circumstances do not allow them to receive the blessings of eternal marriage and parenthood in this life will receive all promised blessings in the eternities, [as] they keep the covenants they have made with God.”

Church Apostle Neil L. Anderson, “Children” October 2011, General Conference of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints

4. Church Apostle Neil L. Anderson, “Children” October 2011, General Conference of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints

5. “THE FIRST COMMANDMENT that God gave to Adam and Eve pertained to their potential for parenthood as husband and wife. We declare that God’s commandment for His children to multiply and replenish the earth remains in force.”  The Family: A Proclamation to the World

6. Church Apostle Elder Dallin H. Oaks, “No Other Gods”, October 2013, General Conference of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints

7. “There are many political and social pressures for legal and policy changes to establish behaviors contrary to God’s decrees about sexual morality and contrary to the eternal nature and purposes of marriage and childbearing. These pressures have already authorized same-gender marriages in various states and nations… Unlike other organizations that can change their policies and even their doctrines, our policies are determined by the truths God has identified as unchangeable.” Church Apostle Elder Dallin H. Oaks, “No Other Gods”, October 2013 , General Conference of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints

 

8. Church Apostle Neil L. Anderson, “Children” October 2011, General Conference of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints

9. The Family: A Proclamation to the World

10. Harold B. Lee, 11th President of the Church, “The most important… work you will ever do will be within the walls of your own homes” (Teachings of Presidents of the Church: Harold B. Lee [2000], 134)

11. David O. McKay, 9^th President of the Church, (quoted from J. E. McCulloch, Home: The Savior of Civilization [1924], 42; in Conference Report, Apr. 1935, 116).

12. Church Apostle Elder Dallin H. Oaks, “No Other Gods”, October 2013, General Conference of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints

Published by: McKell

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Developing Lasting Family Relationships

By Guest Blogger: Mishay

In my personal and professional experience, I have observed that family relationships can bring about a range of emotions—from levels of absolute joy to almost unbearable heartache.  The following principles can be applied to promote healthy relationships:

The first principle is SERVICE.  I love the New Testament and learning about the countless acts of service performed by Jesus Christ.  Matthew 10:39 says, “He that findeth his life shall lose it: and he that loseth his life for my sake shall find it.”  One of my favorite family traditions was playing Secret Santa.  Every year we would buy presents for a less fortunate family and on Christmas Eve we would leave the gifts on the doorstep, knock and run away.  Through this experience and other charitable acts, my parents ingrained in us the importance of being generous.  It is a natural tendency to worry about ourselves and our circumstances; to some extent, when we take care of ourselves we are in a better position to help others.  However, it becomes problematic when we lose perspective by becoming overly focused on our own desires and neglect the needs of those around us.  It is sometimes easier to give our energy and attention to those who are not members of our family, leaving little for those at home.   David O. McKay, ninth president of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, taught, “No other success can compensate for failure in the home.”  I wholeheartedly agree with his statement and recognize that it takes a tremendous amount of selflessness to sustain healthy family relationships. Alternatively, I cannot think of any endeavor that brings more joy or fulfillment.

The second principle is SACRIFICE.  Growing up my dad would tell me, “Sacrifice is giving up something good for something better.”  He has certainly lived up to this ideal.  My dad has always been extremely busy in his career and church responsibilities.  I imagine that he and my mom had very little, if any, free time as they were raising my 4 brothers and me.  Despite their hectic schedule, my parents were at every one of my ballet recitals, piano recitals, and basketball games.  My dad even coached my basketball team for several years.  Becoming a mom has opened my eyes to my parents’ immense sacrifices.  We now live in an age of technology where we can communicate very quickly.  However, there are no shortcuts when it comes to relationships.  Relationships take work.  They require patience and compromise.   Although there may be moments of euphoria, the majority of life is spent performing mundane tasks.  I remember one Saturday when my husband and I were engaged; we spent the day cleaning each of our apartments, going grocery shopping and doing laundry.  In our almost 2 years of dating, we had many fun dates but it occurred to me that this Saturday would become the norm for married life.  Work provides stability, structure, routine and boundaries—all traits that help a family to thrive.  It is tempting to seek instant gratification but genuine relationships require time and sacrifice.

The third principle is FORGIVENESS.  Gordon B. Hinckley, 15th President of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, said, “I have long felt that happiness in marriage is not so much a matter of romance as it is an anxious concern for the comfort and well-being of one’s companion. That involves a willingness to overlook weaknesses and mistakes.”  One of the most difficult realizations in dealing with relationships is that we are imperfect.  Whether it is an interaction with our mother, father, sister, brother, husband, wife, or child, we are all human and fallible.  The second commandment is, “Thou shalt love thy neighbor as thyself” (Matthew 22:39). These are not gentle suggestions. They are commandments.  One of the first places we feel love or feel that love is withheld, is at home.  Eighth grade was one of the worst years of my life.  I treated my mom terribly and said many unkind words that I sorely regret.  Despite my horrible attitude and verbal attacks, my mom continued to demonstrate love.  Even after I attempted to run away from home, she tried to salvage our relationship when she could have given up.  Loving those around us and loving ourselves can be complicated while forgiving others and forgiving ourselves is often a long and difficult process.  Whenever there is a gap between our expectations and the reality of our circumstances, we may feel disappointment, anger, depression, or heartbreak.  We might grieve for children who have special needs, loved ones who suffer from illness, an unhappy marriage or subsequent divorce, financial instability, or any other of life’s many obstacles.  I find great hope and comfort in knowing that Jesus Christ not only redeemed us from sin, he also suffered for our physical, emotional and spiritual pains.  Linda Burton, leader of the women’s organization of the LDS church said, “All that is unfair about life can be made right through the Atonement of Jesus Christ.”

The fourth and final principle is UNCONDITIONAL LOVE.  My daughter is learning how to walk.  When she falls down I do not scold her or criticize her for making a mistake.  Instead, I encourage her to stand back up and try again.  We both clap when she takes a few steps and I tell her that I am proud of her.  I have watched my own parents rejoice when their 5 children are successful and mourn when we are troubled.  I imagine this is how God feels about us, His children.  Quite frankly, some people are easier to love than others.  It may feel natural to place conditions on our love but we must fight these inclinations if we want to build strong, trusting relationships in our families.  Rather than becoming frustrated or disappointed when others fail to meet our expectations, we can show compassion and understanding.  God loves us regardless of our character flaws or the mistakes we have made.  The current leader of the LDS church, Thomas Monson said, “God’s love is there for you whether or not you feel you deserve love. It is simply always there.”    

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Making the Case For Marriage

I used to waitress at the Cheesecake Factory. One day, a man and his father sat at one of my tables.   As I greeted them, the father asked, "Are you married?" I responded that I was; he then replied "Will you convince my son to get married?"

The son looked to be in his thirties, well-groomed, appearing to be a professional in the work force.  He lived with the mother of his two or three children, but they were not married.  I came up with something like "Marriage is great! I highly recommend it."

"Are you religious?"

-- "Yes"

"Well, that is why then."

I have thought over this conversation a great deal over the last four and a half years and have been led to ask the question…If he is a committed father, what could be the reason he chooses not to wear the ring?

Statistically, marriage doesn’t do too well; the divorce rate is over 50%.¹  Maybe he doesn’t want to enter into something so breakable.

A broad-based international study of the levels of happiness before and after “major life events” found that, on average, persons are far more successful in recovering their level of happiness after the death of a spouse than after a divorce. ²

To be at risk for divorce, couples must first be married.  So maybe he wondered, why risk it?

I believe in marriage. When my husband and I married, we made a commitment to last longer than the bliss and infatuation--longer than this life even. Our commitment is for eternity.  We were married and sealed in the temple of God, and we made a covenant to God, to each other, and our future family to remain faithful to each other.

This is the kind of marriage I wish for my friends and the people I love.  A marriage where husband and wife work together toward this goal, which is to be worthy of eternal life, and an eternal union, together in God’s presence.

This is an eternal relationship, not a temporary relationship.  When our view changes in this way, we plan differently, our attitudes and actions toward family members change.

“In all of this, we should realize that a good marriage does not require a perfect man or a perfect woman. It only requires a man and a woman committed to strive together toward perfection.” ³

Living together is the common trend; “cohabitation precedes 60 percent of marriages.” ⁴  Many want to "try it on for size" first, by moving in together.  Sounds logical…

But statistics say otherwise.  Couples who live together before marriage are at a greater risk for divorce than non-cohabiting couples. ⁵

“Couples who cohabit before marriage have greater marital instability than couples who do not cohabit. Spouses who cohabited before marriage demonstrated more negative and less positive problem solving and support behaviors compared to spouses who did not cohabit.” ⁶

Being a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (Mormon), I believe “God has established an eternal standard that sexual relations should occur only between a man and a woman who are married.”⁷

This is a religious reason, yes, but even a study in the American Psychological Association’s Journal of Family Psychology found tangible, non-religious benefits for couples who waited until marriage to start having sex.

“Regardless of religiosity, waiting helps the relationship form better communication processes, and these help improve long-term stability and relationship satisfaction,” the study’s lead author Dean Busby said.

Benefits include the following: 

-    Relationship stability was rated 22 percent higher

-    Relationship satisfaction was rated 20 percent higher

-    Sexual quality of the relationship was rated 15 percent better

-    Communication was rated 12 percent better⁸

In other words, sociologist Mark Regnerus said, “Couples who hit the honeymoon too early – that is, prioritize sex promptly at the outset of a relationship – often find their relationships underdeveloped when it comes to the qualities that make relationships stable and spouses reliable and trustworthy.”

So I waited to have sex until I was married.  I married my husband in the temple, and we were sealed--a contract that is completely unique from any other on earth, in that its terms do not end at death.  We love each other, and we are committed to each other for the long run.

Without our commitment to this eternal goal, I imagine it might be tempting to split when the hard times come.  But we have made a commitment, we are keeping it, and life is good.

“The Savior’s way of life is good. His way includes chastity before marriage and total fidelity within marriage. The Lord’s way is the only way for us to experience enduring happiness. His way brings sustained comfort to our souls and perennial peace to our homes. And best of all, His way leads us home to Him and our Heavenly Father, to eternal life and exaltation.” ⁹

References:

1. American Psychological Association, available at http://www.apa.org/topics/divorce/

2. Richard E. Lucas, “Adaptation and the Set-Point Model of Subjective Well-Being: Does Happiness Change after Major Life Events?” Current Directions in Psychological Science, Apr. 2007, available at www.psychologicalscience.org.

3. Church Apostle Elder Dallin H. Oaks, “Divorce”, April 2007, General Conference of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.

4. See The State of Our Unions: Marriage in America, 2012 (2012), 76.

5. Ruth Weston, Lixia Qu and David de Vaus, “Premarital cohabitation and marital stability” Australian Institute of Family Studies

6. Cohan, C. L. and Kleinbaum, S. (2002), Toward a Greater Understanding of the Cohabitation Effect: Premarital Cohabitation and Marital Communication. Journal of Marriage and Family, 64: 180–192. doi: 10.1111/j.1741-3737.2002.00180.x

7. “We believe that, as an essential part of His plan of salvation, God has established an eternal standard that sexual relations should occur only between a man and a woman who are married.”   Church Apostle Elder Dallin H. Oaks, “No Other Gods”, October 2013, General Conference of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.

8. American Psychological Association’s Journal of Family Psychology, via BYU News

9. Elder Russell M. Nelson, “Decisions For Eternity”, October 2013

Published by: McKell

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Coming to Know God Through Parenting: My Son's Prayer

Being a mother is a very humbling job.  One, because I am given the responsibility to raise God’s spirit children.  And two, because somehow parenting makes my impatience and imperfections seem so glaring.

I really believe my children were given to me so I can learn from them, and for the purpose of perfecting myself.  It sure is a good thing they come young... hopefully by the time they're grown, I will be full of the qualities I wish to have, and they will have forgotten all the mistakes I made as a young mother.

There was one day this week when everything seemed to go wrong from the very start.

• First, I had stayed up too late the night before.  I woke up an hour earlier than my alarm was set for and though I knew I would need that sleep, I couldn't fall back into it.

• So, trying to get a head start on my errands for the day, I tried to place an online order, but no matter how many times I pushed the “Place Order” button, or refreshed the page to try again, it wouldn't go through. 

• After my kids climbed down the stairs, bed-headed and still in pajamas, in my distracted state, I never noticed the cereal box go missing.  Half the box ended up spilled across the living room floor.  

• I handed them a bowl to scoop the spilled cereal into and I put the once full, now half-empty box away.  They brought the bowl filled with cereal into the kitchen, and it accidentally spilled again under the kitchen table.  

• We were running late already.

In the car, on my way to drop B off at Joy School, I said "Sorry B...Mom hasn't been very nice today, and I'm sorry.  I'll be nicer when I pick you up."

…  "It's okay mom, I love you!"

I asked him to say a prayer for us.  He talked to Heavenly Father about the cool spider he saw that morning, and said he was sorry he took too long to find his shoes so that we were late, and he prayed his teacher wouldn't be mad...

His simple, little prayer helped change my attitude toward the day.

His prayer helped remind me of what is most important—and reminded me that more than anything I need God’s help in raising my children.  I could feel how much God loves my kids, and I was filled with his pure love for them. I realized the things I had been upset about that morning didn't even matter.

Church Apostle Elder Jeffrey R. Holland said, “You can’t possibly do this alone, but you do have help. The Master of Heaven and Earth is there to bless you… 

Rely on Him. Rely on Him heavily. Rely on Him forever. And “press forward with a steadfastness in Christ, having a perfect brightness of hope.” You are doing God’s work. You are doing it wonderfully well. He is blessing you and He will bless you, even—no, especially—when your days and your nights may be the most challenging.”

I needed that prayer my three-year-old gave that day.  I still had a full day of errands ahead of me, and ‘Lil M did her best to wear me out.  I am grateful for God’s love and enabling power, especially for me as a mother.

"If you try your best to be the best parent you can be, you will have done all that a human being can do and all that God expects you to do.”

Reference:

Church Apostle Elder Jeffrey R. Holland, “Because She Is a Mother”

Published by: McKell

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Hello! Are You In There?

"Mother, Father, are you in there?" ...

"To truly understand [the hearts of our youth], we must do more than just be in the same room... We have to pay attention to them just as we would pay attention to a trusted adult colleague or close friend. Most important is asking them questions, letting them talk, and then being willing to listen..."

"Being there means understanding the hearts of our youth and connecting with them. And connecting with them means not just conversing with them but doing things with them too."

"I ask the Lord’s blessings to be with [you] parents and with the youth... It is my prayer that we may have eternal families and be together forever in the presence of God the Father and His Son, Jesus Christ."

Reference:
Church Apostle, Elder Robert D. Hales, "Our Duty To God: The Mission of Parents and Leaders of the Rising Generation"

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The Things That Matter Most

Too often, I will admit, I go rushing through my days, even weeks, trying to check off my never-ending to-do list.  My kids get dragged along, in and out of car seats, as I rush to the grocery store, to the post office, to drop something by a neighbor’s house, then back home again, to finish the chores and make dinner while ushering the kids out of the kitchen over and over again.  By the time night falls, I am so exhausted, my kids are restless, and I dump them on my husband, who couldn't possibly have had so much to deal with at work as I did at home with the kids.

I feel like I need to sit and take a break just thinking about it!

After doing this a while, I feel a gentle nudge on my conscience that I am missing something!  How do I so often let the busyness of life distract me from the really important things?  As I rush through the day, why do all the other things take priority, leaving my kids and husband seemingly less important?

Unfortunately, my desire to do it all, and to do everything the best I can, causes me to come up short in the most important things--namely, my family!  No matter how I put it, when I stop and think about it, I know that no e-mail, errand, or chore is more important than spending time with my kids and husband. 

When my son B yells “Mom!  Look at ME!  I am reminded that it is not enough just to be in the same room as my kids or husband, but to be in the moment together!

President Thomas S. Monson (our prophet) said, “If you are still in the process of raising children, be aware that the tiny fingerprints that show up on almost every newly cleaned surface, the toys scattered about the house, the piles and piles of laundry to be tackled will disappear all too soon and that you will—to your surprise—miss them profoundly.”

And so, I close the laptop, or stop whatever I was doing, and I read to my kiddos, or I play Memory with B, or we turn on the music and dance, or run around the house.  These are the moments that I love!  Laughing together!  Playing tickle fight.  Screaming and giggling as we chase each other.  Energy spent together, moments spent together, memories being made… That is what it is all about!

And, instead of dumping the kids on an already worn-out husband, sharing the responsibility of bedtime together eases the load on both of us.  Then sitting down together to rest from our tiring day, taking time to really talk (not distractedly from behind the laptop…I’m guilty, again), sharing in the moment is what makes our marriage tick!

I love this video, because it reminds me of these most important moments that I cherish. 

Reference: President Thomas S. Monson, "Finding Joy in the Journey"

Published by: McKell

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Like Mother, Like Son

Today I have chosen to write about something that has been weighing on my mind recently. As you know, I have my three little crazies whom I love and adore greatly. But there are also times when it is all I can do to make it through the day keeping everyone alive! Seriously. So, I was thinking about how each of them seems to have inherited a different unfavorable trait -who am I kidding, we are talking in the plural not the singular here- from me. And it seems to be those precise characteristics that cause us the most issues. I'm not sure if it's the genetics or if we unknowingly train them to be that way or what, but I can usually attribute their most annoying habits to either me or my husband.

I recently had a temple recommend interview with one of our Stake Presidency leaders. (We, as Mormons, have a series of interviews to ascertain whether we are following the commandments and living a virtuous life worthy of entering into our temples. We can only enter the temple if we are living in such a way that is in accordance with church guidelines. A Stake is a regional organization of individual meeting house congregations.) I brought up this theory. And what ensued was exactly what I didn't know I needed to hear.

We talked about how each child is sent to just the right family. And oftentimes, these children express the shortcomings of their parents. Common sense might imply that this is harmful, passing objectionable traits from generation to generation. But agreeing to that is like surrendering our God-given, individual will. It is like saying, "I am this way and that can never change and there is nothing that can be done about it." Nonsense! I believe we are given shortcomings to keep us from becoming too proud, and to give us challenges to overcome. To grow. To transform. Think about it. What in your life has been the most joyful? Things that were simply handed to you, or things that you worked hard toward, achieved, and could look back and see the progress that you made? At least for me, it is most certainly the latter of the two. And why should this be any different? If there's some blaring character flaw that you don't love about yourself, then change it! And victory will be all the sweeter. So what does this tangent have to do with your children inheriting your worst flaws? I'm so glad you asked.

Let's say my middle child B is very...spirited. With all of those opinions, you also get a very defiant nature. He -in and of himself -has us at our wits' end most days. However, I feel I only have myself to blame. Not that I cater to him, but I am exactly. The. Same. Way. What we discussed in my interview was that perhaps, if I could learn to fix my personal shortcomings on this regard, I could better learn to address my child's. And what better way to really learn something than to teach it to someone else? We have a pattern for service in our church. We have no paid local clergy. Everyone volunteers their time as requested in whatever capacity in which they are serving. For example- I just finished over two years as a Sunday School teacher for teenagers. We have manuals with lessons and themes that we follow, and we are required to use the provided curriculum. Often there were topics that I did not know much about. But as I took the time to read about them in the scriptures and really mull them over in my mind and heart during the week, I came to understand and appreciate the doctrine. And then I was ready to teach. I think that I learned more, during my time as a teacher, than any of my students could have learned in my classes. It is one of the simple things that I LOVE about our church. There is a basic, heavenly-inspired method to our service. As we are asked to fulfill different roles throughout our years of worship, our spiritual and intellectual capacity grows indefinitely. And parenting, in this regard, is the same. As we are introspective and study ourselves, we can help our children. Which will, in turn, further our own progression toward self improvement.

Coming up with the theory is the easy part, as usual. The elbow grease comes with figuring out how and what to fix. And what better way to parent than on our knees? We can pray, read scriptures, research, and pray some more. Knowing that we are all God's children, could we find a better destination for our pleas? We can make our day by day situations ones where the Spirit of God is more likely to reside, so we are better prepared to hear His answers. We can keep our homes, minds, and bodies clean and uncluttered (physically and figuratively). We can fast. We can attend worship services. We Mormons can spend time in the beautiful, peaceful quiet of the temple. Or we can reflect in nature, among God's creations. The important part is not to give up. Sometimes the answer doesn't come as readily, or as easily carried out as you might desire, but the answer always comes. We are promised that it will always come. (see James 1:5-6 "If any of you lack wisdom, let him ask of God, that giveth to all men liberally...and it shall be given him. But let him ask in faith, nothing wavering.")

So now I'm off to study, and ponder, and pray. I have faith that as I listen for our Heavenly Father's answers, both B and I will infinitely benefit. And then maybe we can leave the house on time in the morning without him taking off every article of clothing I've dressed him in (even though I intentionally picked out his favorite of everything) just so he can pick each piece out himself. Or maybe I will learn to leave extra time for him to redo everything I have done. I guess we will wait and see.

Published by: Jen

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Peanut Butter, Sticky Kisses, and the Pearly Gates

One of the first things I learned about parenting is that any attempt to stay clean is futile.

I remember returning from the grocery store one day to discover spaghetti sauce smeared on the front of my white shirt.  Upon further investigation, I also found jam and peanut butter handprints on my back!

In that moment I realized that I really am a mom!  Up to that point I had felt like I was still the same me, with a kid tagging along, but now I realized I am a mom with everything that title brings—messy handprints included.

 

Sometimes motherhood is so wonderful; I have times that I try to sit back and soak up all the joy of the moment.  Sometimes motherhood is comical, hearing a witty response from my three year old that makes me chuckle.  Sometimes it feels like a race, trying to get all the errands run before my kids fall apart because it is too near nap time.  Sometimes motherhood is frustrating, my kids aren't cooperating and I feel at a loss for parenting skills.  Sometimes I feel at my wit’s end, because kids have been waking up in the night, and now all I need is a nap, but my kids won't settle down.  Sometimes it is just messy, as my kids dump, smear, and manage to get into everything they shouldn't. 

I used to have this vision of myself as a mom: Always put together, and things in order.  Smiling, playing and having fun with my kids.  Never ruffled.  Scheduled. Kids always clean, their hair done, always happy.

But that is not what motherhood is about.  Motherhood is all encompassing--the good and the bad; the messes and the baths, the happy giggles and the tears, joy and frustration, time outs and lots of love.

I have stopped, or rather, I am trying to stop viewing myself against the backdrop of my vision of a perfect mother, because it is not real or attainable.  I'm learning how to be a good mother, but I mess up a lot, and that's okay!

Motherhood is messy.  It’s unpredictable.  It’s finding piles of candy wrappers around the house and not being able to find the source.  It’s days of getting out of the shower to find the garbage can has been dumped out again. 

Motherhood is full of surprises.  But that is also what makes life so much fun!  The trick is remembering to laugh.  It’s finding those precious moments in the midst of the mayhem:  the ear-to-ear grin, as my child looks down at the new pile of flour dumped on the floor and proudly exclaims, "Hey Mom!  Look at this MOUNTAIN!"  

Lil' M, using her hummus to paint her feet, legs, and pants

This quote from Marjorie Pay Hinckley about sums it up:

“I don't want to drive up to the pearly gates in a shiny sports car, wearing beautifully tailored clothes, my hair expertly coiffed, and with long, perfectly manicured fingernails.

I want to drive up in a station wagon that has mud on the wheels from taking kids to scout camp.

I want to be there with a smudge of peanut butter on my shirt from making sandwiches for a sick neighbor’s children.

I want to be there with a little dirt under my fingernails from helping to weed someone's garden.

I want to be there with children's sticky kisses on my cheeks and the tears of a friend on my shoulder.

I want the Lord to know I was really here and that I really lived.”

Published by: McKell

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What Mormons Believe About Family

Short video on the family. 

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November Theme: Gratitude for Having an Eternal Family

We are a little late rolling out our theme for November… but we are excited to take this month to discuss the family, and our gratitude for having an eternal family!  This theme is near and dear to our hearts, because this is the stage of life we are in right now! 

When I was leaving the hospital with my first little baby boy, I felt overwhelmed with the responsibility of caring for a new little person. It was all very new to me; I couldn't believe they would send me home with a brand new baby without first checking off a list of reading material or how-to parenting videos, or maybe even requiring me to 'test out' before leaving the hospital. What were they thinking?

I did a lot of reading on my own, I consulted my mom, and a lot of friends with several children, and I tried my best to “do it right”.  Of course, I didn’t always do it right, I messed up a lot, and I felt grateful that my first child was a boy, because I figured that he was tough!  Thankfully he, and I, survived through my parenting mishaps.

Being a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints also helped a lot!  We believe that the family is fundamental in society, and we are often taught about family in church.  There are even parenting classes offered!  I love “The Family: A Proclamation to the World”, a proclamation given by the prophet and apostles of our church, which outlines exactly how God expects us to run our family!  In this most important work, I am not left to wonder what is right in God’s eyes. 

Through this inspired document, we know that we are created in God’s image, and that we are raising God’s spiritual sons and daughters!  We understand that it is a commandment from God to have children.  We know that a man and a woman should be married as husband and wife, and be equally united.  We know that we need to base our family on the teachings of Jesus Christ.  Our home should be a place of love, a place where values are taught, a place where we learn to work and play together.  Where fathers preside in love and righteousness, and mothers are primarily responsible for the nurturing of their children.  We know that through the blessings of the temple, our family can be united eternally!  (… Which means that even after we depart this life, because we have been sealed as a family in the temple, I will continue to be married to my husband, and my children will still be mine, in Heaven.)

All of the important details about the family are laid out very neatly. When there are so many other voices in the world with differing opinions (some very adamantly promoting their point of view), I have a sure knowledge of what is right. I don't have to wonder if the world is overpopulated; I know the Lord created the earth for our use, and there is room enough for all of His children. When it comes to my position on marriage and having children, I know it is what God wants for us. In His love for us, He has explained the best way for us to be happy!

I love my little family, and I know that I am doing God’s work!  What a humbling responsibility it is to be raising his spirit son and daughter. (Prior to our mortal existence here, each spirit son and daughter lived with God in Heaven.)  Elder Neil L. Anderson, one of the 12 apostles, said, “When a child is born to a husband and wife, they are fulfilling part of our Heavenly Father’s plan to bring children to earth.”  I believe there is still part of heaven in our newborn babies, them having so recently left our Heavenly Father’s presence.  I have had glimpses of their divine identity.  And I have the blessing of teaching and mothering them!  

Published by: McKell

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Ask the Missionaries!

After interviewing our primary children, and getting their answers, some right on, and others a little off... we decided to Ask the Missionaries!  Here are their answers to the same questions we asked our children.

Elder Scholes and Elder Galbraith answered:

What is the Word of Wisdom?
The Word of Wisdom is a health code for our bodies.  It prohibits the use of alcohol, tobacco, tea, coffee and illegal drugs.  God wants us to be healthy so He asks us to eat fruits, vegetables, grains, and to eat meat sparingly.  The Lord has promised us blessings if we obey.  When we follow the Word of Wisdom we are more receptive to the promptings of the Holy Ghost.

Who is the head of the church?  What does he do?
The head of the church is called a prophet, and today his name is Thomas S. Monson.  He leads and guides us today, just like prophets of old from the scriptures; such as Adam, Noah, Abraham and Moses. Prophets testify of Jesus Christ and teach his gospel.  He, like the prophets of old, teaches the will of God.  Prophets receive revelation for the church.

Who is Joseph Smith?
 Joseph Smith was the first prophet of the restored church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.  As a young boy, in the 1820's, he wanted to know what church to join.  One day he was reading the Bible, in James 1:5 which says if you lack wisdom, ask God.  So he went to pray in a grove of trees.  While he was praying a vision opened up to him, of God the father and Jesus Christ... they told him to join none of the churches.  Christ asked Joseph to help restore the true church.  Joseph also translated the Book of Mormon, which we have today.

What do the scriptures teach?
The Book of Mormon is another testament of Jesus Christ.  It came forth in this dispensation by the will of the Lord.  It is a record of God'd dealings with the people who lived in ancient America.  The scriptures put forth the doctrines of the gospel, outline the plan of salvation, and tell men what they must do to gain peace in this life and eternal salvation in the life to come.  It teaches us that we must have faith in Jesus Christ, repent, be baptized, receive the Holy Ghost, and endure to the end.
Watch an apostles introduction of the Book of Mormon

What is the Priesthood?
The priesthood is the eternal power and authority of God, which he uses to create and govern the heavens and the Earth.  Through this power, he redeems and exalts his children, and brings to pass the immortality and eternal life of man. (See Moses 1:39)  God gives priesthood authority to worthy male members of the church so they can act in His name for the salvation of his children.  Through the priesthood we can be baptized and receive the Holy Ghost.

Why do we pray?
Heavenly Father loves us and knows each of our needs.  He wants to communicate with us through prayer.  When we pray with real intent, God will listen to our prayer and help us in his own time.  God loves when we speak with him.  Jesus Christ taught us to pray always, and commanded, "Therefore ye must always pray unto the Father in my name" 3 Nephi 18:19.


Sister Adair & Sister Gordon answered:

Why do we get baptized?
 When we are baptized we make a covenant, or promise, with God, that we will keep his commandments and be willing to take Jesus Christ's name upon us.  In return God blesses us and promises his spirit to always be with us.

Why do we go to church?
 By setting Sunday aside as a day for God, we create the perfect environment to grow spiritually.  When we go to church we learn from each other's experiences and remind ourselves, through partaking the sacrament, of our baptismal promises to live Christ-like lives.

What is the sacrament and what does it symbolize?
Christ atoned for our sins by offering himself as a sacrifice, making it possible for us to repent, or receive forgiveness and strive to be perfect, like him.  Every Sunday we are reminded of this gift by partaking of the sacrament.  Bread, which symbolizes Christ's body, is blessed and passed to the congregation.  Water, which symbolizes his blood, is also blessed and passed.  It is also a reminder to each of us of the promises we made when we were baptized, that we would take upon our self the name of Christ and live faithfully to his commandments the rest of our lives.  In return God promises us that we will have his spirit to be with us always, and that we can receive a remission of our sins.

What did Jesus teach and how can we follow him?
Jesus showed us by his perfect example what we need to do to be truly happy in this life and next.  He taught us to love one another, by putting our concern for others above our concern for ourselves.  The way we can follow him is by keeping his commandments such as faith, repentance, baptism, and enduring to the end.

Why do we have temples?
The temple is a sacred place where we can can perform ordinances that last for eternity, both for ourselves and for those who have passed on, such as marriage and baptism.  Even after this life, we can still progress.

Where does God live?
God lives in Heaven!

Reference: "Ask the missionaries!  They can help you!" By Elder Russel M. Nelson, of the 12 apostles
Watch: Kid Perspectives, short video

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Kid Perspectives

We love our primary children!  They have great answers (funny, thoughtful, and serious) to gospel questions.  Turn up your volume before listening.  Get ready to smile!

Want the doctrine based answers to these questions?  

We asked the missionaries!  Questions are answered here (link).

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Living Happily

As I rode home on the metro the other day I noticed an advertisement that struck me.  The advertisement said:  “See how millions of people around the country are living happily WITHOUT religion”  My immediate reaction to the sign was surprise.  “Why would anyone say that? And what benefit does anyone get out of having no religion?  It didn't take me long to realize how easy it would be to believe in no religion.  With no religion there is no sin beyond what would be necessary to adhere to the law of the land.  How much easier life would be if you could live free of the guilt of any wrong doing!  No wonder it would be desirable to live without religion!

However, I know that it is not that way.  Like a child running away from home thinking he is free from the authoritarian rule of restrictive parents who soon learns on his own that what he thought was strict rule was really loving guidance provided by parents who sincerely care. Those who choose to do away with religion will one day face God and know for themselves that what they were escaping was not dictatorial law but instead loving guidance for their own sake.

I know that God loves his children and he gives us rules for our own benefit, not to test us beyond what we can handle so he can watch us fall and burn, but to help us avoid what would be the unavoidable consequences of poor decisions.  Self-indulgenceis not happiness as evidenced by the large number of people in our society either on anti-depressants, chronically depressed, feeling a lack of purpose,or in dysfunctional relationships.God is the guide who shows us how to attain true happiness and purpose by following the principles and rules of religion. 

So as I sat on the train that day and reflected on that advertisement my surprise turned to sorrow for those who choose indulgence and reject religion.   It is sad to think that most people who heed the sign will travel a long road to nowhere.

By Guest Blogger: Brock

View Brock's 'I'm a Mormon' Profile

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The Church at a Glance

If you have ever wondered what Mormon's believe, this short video gives a great overview...

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