The Ups and Downs of Parenting: How Gratitude Helps

A few weeks ago I had my third child and since then I've experienced a range of emotions.  I am grateful to have a sweet, new baby boy.  I am grateful that I could get pregnant, that my baby is healthy, that I have a supportive husband, and that I have health insurance. 

But being a parent is a mixed bag.  Sleep deprivation takes a toll.  Last weekend I felt really stressed when my two year old woke up in the middle of the night hardly able to breathe.  We took him to Urgent Care and he has croup.  I constantly worried about my newborn as I tried to figure out how to keep a coughing/feverish two year old away from the baby he adores.  It’s tough when all three kids need attention.  It’s tricky to find a balance between kids, husband, family, church, community, and household responsibilities.

I've found that gratitude serves as an antidote to my negative attitudes, and can act as a buoy in trying moments.  As I make an effort to focus on the good, my negativity and annoyances decrease. 

I am Grateful for My Children

I love my children.  It amazes me to watch them grow and learn.  I love conversing with my two year old.  I love the art my four year old creates.  I love seeing my children interact with each other.  Every morning since I've been home from the hospital the first things my big kids do is run to the baby’s crib to check on their new brother.

I am Grateful that I am a Child of God

I believe that I am a child of God.  That Heavenly Father knows and loves me.  While that idea is at times hard to fathom, it is also very comforting.  When I look at my peaceful newborn, I get a glimpse of the immense love Heavenly Father has for me.  I can’t help but be impressed by the amount of love I feel for my child.  I then magnify that love 1,000 fold and think of the love Heavenly Father must have for me and each of His children. 

I imagine Heavenly Father’s love for me is similar to the love I have for my small children, only with infinitely more wisdom and patience.  I encourage my children to learn and grow.  I help them.  I rejoice in their successes – just what our Eternal Father in Heaven does for us.  I am young in the gospel.  I make many mistakes.  As President Dieter F. Uchtdorf, Second Counselor in the Church’s First Presidency, stated:

We have all seen a toddler learn to walk. He takes a small step and totters. He falls. Do we scold such an attempt? Of course not. What father would punish a toddler for stumbling? We encourage, we applaud, and we praise.

One of my favorite scriptures is 1 Nephi 11:17.  Nephi, a prophet in the Book of Mormon, sees a vision and is visited by an angel.  The angel asks if Nephi knows “the condescension of God.”  Nephi replies: “I know that [God] loveth his children; nevertheless, I do not know the meaning of all things.”  I am grateful that I also know that God loves his children.

As I face my own ignorance, frustrations, and mistakes, I try to remember God’s love and patience for me, His daughter.  When my children make messes, clamber for my attention, or as I sooth a fussy baby in the late night hours, I try to remember to be grateful.

Published by Cali

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Coming to Know God Through Parenting: My Son's Prayer

Being a mother is a very humbling job.  One, because I am given the responsibility to raise God’s spirit children.  And two, because somehow parenting makes my impatience and imperfections seem so glaring.

I really believe my children were given to me so I can learn from them, and for the purpose of perfecting myself.  It sure is a good thing they come young... hopefully by the time they're grown, I will be full of the qualities I wish to have, and they will have forgotten all the mistakes I made as a young mother.

There was one day this week when everything seemed to go wrong from the very start.

• First, I had stayed up too late the night before.  I woke up an hour earlier than my alarm was set for and though I knew I would need that sleep, I couldn't fall back into it.

• So, trying to get a head start on my errands for the day, I tried to place an online order, but no matter how many times I pushed the “Place Order” button, or refreshed the page to try again, it wouldn't go through. 

• After my kids climbed down the stairs, bed-headed and still in pajamas, in my distracted state, I never noticed the cereal box go missing.  Half the box ended up spilled across the living room floor.  

• I handed them a bowl to scoop the spilled cereal into and I put the once full, now half-empty box away.  They brought the bowl filled with cereal into the kitchen, and it accidentally spilled again under the kitchen table.  

• We were running late already.

In the car, on my way to drop B off at Joy School, I said "Sorry B...Mom hasn't been very nice today, and I'm sorry.  I'll be nicer when I pick you up."

…  "It's okay mom, I love you!"

I asked him to say a prayer for us.  He talked to Heavenly Father about the cool spider he saw that morning, and said he was sorry he took too long to find his shoes so that we were late, and he prayed his teacher wouldn't be mad...

His simple, little prayer helped change my attitude toward the day.

His prayer helped remind me of what is most important—and reminded me that more than anything I need God’s help in raising my children.  I could feel how much God loves my kids, and I was filled with his pure love for them. I realized the things I had been upset about that morning didn't even matter.

Church Apostle Elder Jeffrey R. Holland said, “You can’t possibly do this alone, but you do have help. The Master of Heaven and Earth is there to bless you… 

Rely on Him. Rely on Him heavily. Rely on Him forever. And “press forward with a steadfastness in Christ, having a perfect brightness of hope.” You are doing God’s work. You are doing it wonderfully well. He is blessing you and He will bless you, even—no, especially—when your days and your nights may be the most challenging.”

I needed that prayer my three-year-old gave that day.  I still had a full day of errands ahead of me, and ‘Lil M did her best to wear me out.  I am grateful for God’s love and enabling power, especially for me as a mother.

"If you try your best to be the best parent you can be, you will have done all that a human being can do and all that God expects you to do.”

Reference:

Church Apostle Elder Jeffrey R. Holland, “Because She Is a Mother”

Published by: McKell

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Peanut Butter, Sticky Kisses, and the Pearly Gates

One of the first things I learned about parenting is that any attempt to stay clean is futile.

I remember returning from the grocery store one day to discover spaghetti sauce smeared on the front of my white shirt.  Upon further investigation, I also found jam and peanut butter handprints on my back!

In that moment I realized that I really am a mom!  Up to that point I had felt like I was still the same me, with a kid tagging along, but now I realized I am a mom with everything that title brings—messy handprints included.

 

Sometimes motherhood is so wonderful; I have times that I try to sit back and soak up all the joy of the moment.  Sometimes motherhood is comical, hearing a witty response from my three year old that makes me chuckle.  Sometimes it feels like a race, trying to get all the errands run before my kids fall apart because it is too near nap time.  Sometimes motherhood is frustrating, my kids aren't cooperating and I feel at a loss for parenting skills.  Sometimes I feel at my wit’s end, because kids have been waking up in the night, and now all I need is a nap, but my kids won't settle down.  Sometimes it is just messy, as my kids dump, smear, and manage to get into everything they shouldn't. 

I used to have this vision of myself as a mom: Always put together, and things in order.  Smiling, playing and having fun with my kids.  Never ruffled.  Scheduled. Kids always clean, their hair done, always happy.

But that is not what motherhood is about.  Motherhood is all encompassing--the good and the bad; the messes and the baths, the happy giggles and the tears, joy and frustration, time outs and lots of love.

I have stopped, or rather, I am trying to stop viewing myself against the backdrop of my vision of a perfect mother, because it is not real or attainable.  I'm learning how to be a good mother, but I mess up a lot, and that's okay!

Motherhood is messy.  It’s unpredictable.  It’s finding piles of candy wrappers around the house and not being able to find the source.  It’s days of getting out of the shower to find the garbage can has been dumped out again. 

Motherhood is full of surprises.  But that is also what makes life so much fun!  The trick is remembering to laugh.  It’s finding those precious moments in the midst of the mayhem:  the ear-to-ear grin, as my child looks down at the new pile of flour dumped on the floor and proudly exclaims, "Hey Mom!  Look at this MOUNTAIN!"  

Lil' M, using her hummus to paint her feet, legs, and pants

This quote from Marjorie Pay Hinckley about sums it up:

“I don't want to drive up to the pearly gates in a shiny sports car, wearing beautifully tailored clothes, my hair expertly coiffed, and with long, perfectly manicured fingernails.

I want to drive up in a station wagon that has mud on the wheels from taking kids to scout camp.

I want to be there with a smudge of peanut butter on my shirt from making sandwiches for a sick neighbor’s children.

I want to be there with a little dirt under my fingernails from helping to weed someone's garden.

I want to be there with children's sticky kisses on my cheeks and the tears of a friend on my shoulder.

I want the Lord to know I was really here and that I really lived.”

Published by: McKell

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November Theme: Gratitude for Having an Eternal Family

We are a little late rolling out our theme for November… but we are excited to take this month to discuss the family, and our gratitude for having an eternal family!  This theme is near and dear to our hearts, because this is the stage of life we are in right now! 

When I was leaving the hospital with my first little baby boy, I felt overwhelmed with the responsibility of caring for a new little person. It was all very new to me; I couldn't believe they would send me home with a brand new baby without first checking off a list of reading material or how-to parenting videos, or maybe even requiring me to 'test out' before leaving the hospital. What were they thinking?

I did a lot of reading on my own, I consulted my mom, and a lot of friends with several children, and I tried my best to “do it right”.  Of course, I didn’t always do it right, I messed up a lot, and I felt grateful that my first child was a boy, because I figured that he was tough!  Thankfully he, and I, survived through my parenting mishaps.

Being a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints also helped a lot!  We believe that the family is fundamental in society, and we are often taught about family in church.  There are even parenting classes offered!  I love “The Family: A Proclamation to the World”, a proclamation given by the prophet and apostles of our church, which outlines exactly how God expects us to run our family!  In this most important work, I am not left to wonder what is right in God’s eyes. 

Through this inspired document, we know that we are created in God’s image, and that we are raising God’s spiritual sons and daughters!  We understand that it is a commandment from God to have children.  We know that a man and a woman should be married as husband and wife, and be equally united.  We know that we need to base our family on the teachings of Jesus Christ.  Our home should be a place of love, a place where values are taught, a place where we learn to work and play together.  Where fathers preside in love and righteousness, and mothers are primarily responsible for the nurturing of their children.  We know that through the blessings of the temple, our family can be united eternally!  (… Which means that even after we depart this life, because we have been sealed as a family in the temple, I will continue to be married to my husband, and my children will still be mine, in Heaven.)

All of the important details about the family are laid out very neatly. When there are so many other voices in the world with differing opinions (some very adamantly promoting their point of view), I have a sure knowledge of what is right. I don't have to wonder if the world is overpopulated; I know the Lord created the earth for our use, and there is room enough for all of His children. When it comes to my position on marriage and having children, I know it is what God wants for us. In His love for us, He has explained the best way for us to be happy!

I love my little family, and I know that I am doing God’s work!  What a humbling responsibility it is to be raising his spirit son and daughter. (Prior to our mortal existence here, each spirit son and daughter lived with God in Heaven.)  Elder Neil L. Anderson, one of the 12 apostles, said, “When a child is born to a husband and wife, they are fulfilling part of our Heavenly Father’s plan to bring children to earth.”  I believe there is still part of heaven in our newborn babies, them having so recently left our Heavenly Father’s presence.  I have had glimpses of their divine identity.  And I have the blessing of teaching and mothering them!  

Published by: McKell

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Why I'm a Stay at Home Mom

Like so many of us, I had different plans in mind for when I "grew up". I am very driven and was fast-tracked for medical school. I had perfect grades and would be entering college a National Merit Scholar and technically a sophomore. My father is a highly specialized physician, as was his father before him. Also, my grandfather and great-grandfather were Deans for universities and med-schools. I have a profound appreciation for the human body and science. Both of my parents instilled in me a great love for learning and a desire to further my education as much as I could. But they taught me the importance of family and being the best mother/spouse/sister/daughter I could be as well. I wanted to do that, too, but thought that I would have several or more true 'adult' years before that materialized as a possibility. That all changed when I met my husband.

We met at the beginning of my second year of college. I had just picked neuroscience as my major and was really loading up on classes to graduate ahead of schedule. The more we dated, the more I just knew that he was the one I wanted to spend my life with. I took it to the Lord in prayer and received confirmation. Five months after we met, we were engaged. And five months after that, we were married in the temple for all of time and eternity. We both graduated the next year (he stretched out his last couple semesters and I sped mine up. My last semester I had 24 credit hours, including the two online courses I was taking) and moved across the country where he had gotten a job. This is where my true internal struggle began.

Perhaps because I was young and egocentric, or perhaps because my academics were followed by newspapers in my hometown community- that's what you get for doing nerdy competitions all the time- I really felt like there was a specific expectation for my life path. I was supposed to make a difference, make oodles of money or at least find a cure for Alzheimer's or something. And I wanted to do all of those things, really. I still do. But more important than worldly accolades, I knew what I was truly supposed to do. And that was first and foremost to have children and raise them well. A former leader of our church, President David O. McKay, said, "No other success can compensate for failure in the home." That truly resonates with me! Once I caught a snippet of a program of Dr. Laura on the radio. I had never listened to her before, nor have I listened to her since; but I really liked one statement that she made. She said that she learned that she could not have just a good career and be an 'ok' or good mother at the same time. She could only do one thing at a time if she wanted to do either really well. I'm not saying that's true for everyone, and some don't have a choice regardless, but that really hit me. If I wanted to be my own version of the very best mother, I really needed to focus only on that.

This decision did not come easily, and I have had a hard time defending it to many around me. I have had friends and relatives tell me, very decidedly and rather bluntly, that I was ruining my life. Throwing away all of my potential. I cannot tell you how much those words hurt. I am not a blind follower or uninformed. I know full well what I am capable of and the impact my choices will have on my life. Some make us feel that women can only be respected if they make themselves equal to men in the workforce. But I know that I can do the most good in my home, with my children- and I would most regret missing this time with them. To my friends' and families' credit, nearly everyone who at some point had harassed me about my decision has apologized and made amends; and I do not harbor anger or resentment. I only included this to show the pressure I faced in pursuing what I know to be right for our family. 

I love the recent comments from the Apostle D. Todd Christofferson, who spoke on the moral force of women. He stated,

A woman's moral influence is nowhere more powerfully felt or more beneficially employed than in the home. There is no better setting for rearing the rising generation than the traditional family, where a father and a mother work in harmony to provide for, teach, and nurture their children. Where this ideal does not exist, people strive to duplicate its benefits as best they can in their particular circumstances.

In all events, a mother can exert an influence unequaled by any other person in any other relationship.

                                                                         My boys!

Now here I am, with my three little boys (ages 4 1/2, 3 and 7 months) and husband, and my life has never felt crazier. Frenzied, frantic, and frenetic. I fear I may never be that woman who is calm and collected and has it all under control. We may never have the house we really want or the cars we'd love to drive or make those exotic trips that would be so fantastic. But when I get the small opportunities every day to teach and observe my boys, I know I made the right choice. When my baby flashes a toothless grin when I pick him up, or my 3-year-old runs over and kisses my knee unprovoked, I know I am blessed. Or when my oldest son asks me to read him books, I can cherish the moment. It is not easy, but I can feel that it is right. And I love that at the end of each day, I feel the comfort of knowing that I am doing something good. We are together; we are happy! And nothing has brought me pure joy like watching my children grow and learn and experience life. Have I made sacrifices? Of course. But they have been worth it many times over. And they are only here and young and ours for a short time. I do plan to go back for advanced degrees, but not right now. There is a time and a season for everything- and right now, mine is with my boys and trying to teach them to be honest, hard-working, and faithful men. And I know that is where I'm supposed to be.

Published by Jen

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